On the Edge

(written way back in April 2012)

Lately, every time i begin to drift away from God, I feel scared. It used to be the other way around, i was scared to be close to God. Maybe that just shows how much I've grown in my faith. Today I feel nervous. I do have a test today, however I'm nervous about my relationship with God. In this last week I missed two religious gatherings i regularly attend. Immediately I began to feel myself slip, feeling as if there was something missing. I didnt get my usual dosage of God. It is kind of amazing and eye opening to me how surrounding myself with the people of God has strengthened me and continues to strengthen me. How much i truely need Him to remain stable throughout my days/weeks/months. It has made me realize how much I truely love God. How important it is to me to live for him.

This past wed. I was at a friendly gathering at which we were discussing what we each thought about religion. One person said that they think Christians hope to be chosen to be a beacon of God in this world. It got me thinking. A thought popped in my head. We are all already chosen by God. He made us, he wrote our story. The thing is we have to essentially choose ourselves. We have to recognize that God is knocking on our door. We have to answer God's calling for us. We have to realize that we are able through God.

I feel nervous again today, almost paranoid.It's a little odd. I think it's because i can feel myself slipping again. I 've been engaging in sexual pleasure for myself (masturbation). I try so hard to fight it off but ya know the more you try not to think about something the more you can't stop thinking about it. The feeling then becomes overwhelming. I tell myself that if i can't fight this off I'm never gonna get past this past relationship with Alex. Then because it seems overwhelming I give in and feel like a failure and definitely feel trapped by Satan. I feel the strong hold he has on me and i just want my deliverance to come faster.