Hypocrites

Everyone hates hypocrites.
But..at times we all are hypocrites. Keeping a promise, and sticking to your word is a powerful thing. You gain trust from other people and you gain respect. You just have a better quality of life it seems.

I failed to keep my word just last month. A friend of mine, Jess, was having a birthday party at a local bar downtown. I am fine with bars, but I don't typically drink. I was still planning on going however, because I wanted to show that I was her friend. Later I heard of a concert in town that I could get discounted tickets for. I began planning and inviting people to that. What I didn't realize was the concert was on the same night as Jess's party. When I realized this I talked with Jess to know the time frame she would be at the bar. She told me 6pm -10pm. The gates opened at 6:30p. The two places were a coupe blocks from each other. So I planned to stop by Jess' party before going to the concert. The day of the concert comes and I find out 3 hours before that the gates open at 6p instead. I decided that I couldn't make it to Jess' party because I wanted to be at the concert the whole time. I wanted a good spot. So without calling or texting Jess I didn't go to the party. So you see I betrayed my friend by going back on my word. I could have made time to stop by for a minute or two. I didn't HAVE to be at the concert for a 'good seat.' But I was selfish and decided that by entertainment was more important that celebrating with my friend.

The Bible gives us a great example of this as well.

 In Matthew 21 Jesus teaches us this through 'The parable of the two sons:'

                 28 “But what do you think about this? A man with two sons told the older boy, ‘Son, go              out and work in the vineyard today.’ 29 The son answered, ‘No, I won’t go,’ but later he              changed his mind and went anyway. 30 Then the father told the other son, ‘You go,’                  and he said, ‘Yes, sir, I will.’ But he didn't go. 31 “Which of the two obeyed his father?”              They replied, “The first.”[h]

            Then Jesus explained his meaning: “I tell you the truth, corrupt tax collectors and                     prostitutes will get into the Kingdom of God before you do. 32 For John the Baptist                     came and showed you the right way to live, but you didn’t believe him, while tax                      collectors and prostitutes did. And even when you saw this happening, you refused to                believe him and repent of your sins.

Jesus is talking to the leading priests and elders here. So he is saying that even though they are in this religious authority doesn't make them saved. If they don't live out the teachings of Jesus, they will not get into His kingdom. 

To know the truth and reject it is worse than not knowing the truth and not coming near it. 

The Priests and Elders have believe in God but they didn't want to live according to his rule. Just like I knew I should've gone to Jess' part but at the time I wanted good entertainment instead.  The tax collectors and prostitutes initially didn't believe in God, they didn't know the truth. Later, after hearing John the Baptist speak (Matt. 3: 1-12), they believed and repented of their sins. See the tax collectors and prostitutes were obeying God better than the high priests! 

Don't be like the high priests, Don't be a hypocrite.

Check yourself, examine your heart, let God examine your heart.Ask for forgiveness, repent of the wrongs you have done, and go forth and live a better life.

Homesick

I've never really felt homesick before. Not really. Not like today. But I feel I am more than homesick. I miss my best friends, I miss my childhood room. Even if I went home however, I would only be able to see half my best friends anyway.

How do you beat homesickness?

Inspiration

I used to think that inspiration just came to you without any effort. So when I had lulls in my inspiration for Art I assumed something was wrong. Have I drawn away from God? Am I even supposed to do art anymore? These questions ran through my mind almost constantly. I watched as my college mates worked hard and moved up in the Radio/Tv/Film department. Many of them younger than me. They all seemed to be much more inspired than me. They clearly loved what they were doing.

God called me to Oshkosh. He made sure I made it to the Radio/Tv/Film department here.
So why was I struggling with my inspiration? Even in my minor of studio arts I seemed to be lacking major inspiration. I did not find drawing as relaxing and fun as I used to. I constantly had this feeling of, I'll never do as well as my college mates. I don't have enough talent to do this. This will never mesh with my religion. Video and Christianity don't work, especially on a college campus.

I recently had to take a semester off. When this first became a possibility I resented it entirely. I felt if I took a semester off I would fall behind. I was already behind because I transferred. I did not want to become someone who took a semester off and never went back. Despite all these fears I prayed about my decision. God had provided for me before and I had no doubt he could provide for me this time. However every time I prayed about this I never once felt peace about returning in the fall. So much to my dismay I withdrew from my fall classes and set up a payment plan.

It felt extremely weird to watch my friends all collect their textbooks and begin classes. My times I was asked "What classes are you taking?" Later it became "How is school going? How are your classes?" I had fallen into my own routine of work, late nights and movies. So whenever I would be asked "how are classes?" I was brought back to reality and would once again feel bad about myself. As if I had failed because I could not complete school in one full sweep.

Fast forward a few months. I quickly discovered God's purpose for me taking a semester off. All of those fears I mentioned he began working to turn them around. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how ridiculous those fears were. Of course I was different, I had Jesus living within me. Please understand I do not mean that in any condescending way. I just mean, most of my fellow RTFers were not Christians. I had made a point to make Christ first in my life. Radio/Tv/Film is a very time consuming major. It quickly and easily becomes your life. However, I made sure Christ was first and foremost my life. Everything else was secondary. So when I was comparing myself to my class mates I was seeing the difference in where we get our inspiration. Through this 'down' season of my life, God reminded me of why he called me to Oshkosh. He reminded my why he chose the path of art for my life. The key word there is HE. He chose this path for me. I may have decided that I love art, but you must understand that I found God and art at the same time. In the past every time I fell away from my God, inspiration for my art left me. Thus God and art were always connected and are meant to always be together, always feeding off of each other.

"I chose you for a reason. You are to show them a new way to live. You are a leader. You must lead them."
"Me? Why would you choose me? I am not good enough. I don't have a leadership mind."
"Maybe not but you have a leadership heart. You know why?"
"no..."
"Because Jesus dwells within you. You have the heart of Jesus. He was one of the great leaders. He never lets anyone down. He will always show you which way to go next. As long as you constantly dwell in him, he will remain in you."

Over the past few months God has shown me just how much I am worth, which is so much more than I think. In October I went on a retreat with my campus ministry. While I was there I spent some time alone with God. I was throwing around the idea of choosing a different major or dropping my minor in studio arts. God slapped me in the face with this:

"Don't you dare even think of giving up art. This is what I made you for. This is your purpose. Did I not direct your path perfectly so that you would end up here, studying art? Don't you dare think that you are not talented enough. Your art is beautiful. People ARE impacted by your art. It DOES inspire people. I gave you the gift of seeing people how I see them, and I want you to capture that in your art. People need to see themselves how I see them. Beautiful just the way they are; in their brokenness, in their vulnerability, in their crushed spirits. They are beautiful. You notice them just as I have noticed them. You have a very important future. Don't you dare walk away from that."

And in that moment I knew I was back on track.

So today I started reading a missionaries and my amigo's blog. He is a recent grad from the Radio/Tv/Film department. His combined love for Jesus and film has always inspired me. So reading about all that he is accomplishing is so encouraging to me. It shows me that all this is possible. I am not crazy for wanting to combine God and video. I support this Godly man monthly. Usually when you support someone, they send you newsletters telling about their experiencing and the good they are accomplishing. I found it weird that he was not sending me anything. Today I found his blog on his Facebook page. Deciding to read it I realized this was his newsletter. I just had to go and find it. I also recently started reading my cousins blog. She to is a very Godly women. Her blog has inspired me.

Reading these blogs has made me realize that sometimes you have to go and find your inspiration. Not all of it will come straight to you. It's just like writing an essay or coming up with a theme for a story. It doesn't always just hit you in the face. In fact a lot of the time you have to seek it out. You research and look around for something good. Many masterpieces are inspired by a similar piece, or style. Every, artist, politician, author, pastor, musician, magician, businessman has a role model, someone who feeds their inspiration.

What is your passion? Who inspires you?

Hopefully this wasn't too all over the place. Thanks for reading!

Anything

For those who might care

My mom told me she is suicidal the other day. She has been depressed for several years. I thought she was better. Just goes to show you how much you don’t know when you don’t live at home anymore. She isn’t getting any support from my Dad. They are technically still married but they don’t sleep in the same bed anymore and don’t wear their wedding rings. My mo is stuck paying most of the bills when my dad is the one that makes most of the money. The cell phones are out of service again, which only makes me more worried.

Guys I can’t handle losing my mom. I just can’t. I need your prayers and support. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve tried getting her to go to church. She didn’t seem up for it but I told her she should go with my one of my best friends from home. Maybe she could go to the women s center or something idk, 

I myself am struggling financially. I probably will have to take a semester off because im behind on school payments and I don’t get a lot of financial aid because my dad makes a lot of money. However my parents have never keen to help me out paying for things.

But it;s like I don’t care that much about my situation because I CANNOT lose my mom. I just want to help her out as much as I can. But I’m a poor college  student. what can I do? 

Just please pray if you made it this far down. Please. I need support, help, a hug, anything.

wait

I'm falling into that mode again. That mode of curious writings by the one who never thought creative writing was possible for her. I know that it is a sort of healing process and I feel that process beginning.

It always starts with late nights. Lying awake, not being able to stop thinking. The most lonely feeling creeps up out of nowhere. I begin to question my surroundings and no longer know which way is up. Self-put-downs are the main course. This time around they are different. "you're such a failure. You can't even keep your finances straight and pay for school, how are you going to pay rent? What have you got to show for your twenty years on Earth? You've accomplished nothing. Everyone around you is working hard and taking advantage of opportunities. And then there's you. Keep going this route and you'll never impress anyone."

 I never thought it was possible to feel so old but so young all at once.

It feels a bit like I'm rediscovering myself. I've followed the steps that got me this far, but it's like there are no more steps on the paper. It's not the end...so...now what?

Naturally I think back to the last time I felt this way: Middle School/early high school days. I felt just as lonely. I did not however, feel like a failure. I was just trying to find my way through the tunnel. I made it through, with the help of my best friend Lacey and my other best friend music. Specifically Hold On by Good Charlotte. Through another friend I found foundation and salvation. This is the point where I was free from the pit.

How did I end up back here? Is it even the same pit? Perhaps it's a bigger pit.

I knew this year would be one I couldn't run away anymore. I now realize this is true in more ways than one. Sitting on tumblr, watching shows, getting caught up in other peoples lives thinking I've got mine handled. All to distract myself. I'm trying to run away again.
All he wants is to be listened to. How many times have I offered an open ear? How often do I brag about my strongest quality: a good listener? But have I been offering to listen in the wrong place? To the wrong people? If I'm such a good listener, why can't I even listen to the one who matters most? To the one who knows exactly how to help me.

While the rest of the world rests, my mind is far from it.

Maybe that's why I stay up so late. With the rest of the world dormant for a bit, there is nothing to distract me. It's the purest time to think and listen. To have those amazing conversations that end with an "Eureka!" moment.

"WAIT"

wait? you want me to wait? For what exactly?

"WAIT"

Everyone else around me is laying the foundations for their career, Taking their first steps toward their career and you're telling me to wait?

"WAIT"

Ok, tell me this then. What am I supposed to do while I wait? Do I stay in school? Take a semester off? Move back to Waukesha? Crash at a friends house in Oshkosh? Pursue Converge more? What?

"WAIT"

and so I wait...

Got Pride?

"Pride - Do you look down on others? Or, do you feel you aren't as good or worthy as others are? Do you find yourself arguing or being contentious with others? Do you resist yielding to authority? Do you become defensive when corrected? Do you resist being open about all areas of your life with trustworthy people? Do you resist asking people for assistance, or depending on and needing others in healthy ways? Do you resist admitting you are wrong? Are you easily offended?"

 Pride is something I've struggled with for a while. Well let's be honest most people struggle with pride and by most i mean everybody. Over the past year i have gained better control over pride. I mostly saw it when dealing with my artwork. I wanted to stay humble about all of it. When I had my deliverance session we (the person praying for me and I) pin-pointed some other areas pride resided in my life. We prayed over those areas and i felt i had made some progress. I didn't see pride there any more.

As I look back on my summer i see that I have convicted others of being prideful. I see it all over their life, and actions. As far as I could tell I didn't convict them in a bad way. But have I been too busy worrying about correcting other people, i miss what needs to be corrected in my own life and actions? I was just reading an e-mail from Dick Schroeder's 'You've Got the Holy Spirit.' This e-mail, along with the previous one, talked about pride. This one specifically focused on what it looks like and what it means to be prideful. It was very convicting especially the excerpt above from Joy Schroeder's Tools For Mentoring Moral Inventory section. It really made me think hard about whether I had pride in my life or not.

I found that I did. It is still evident in my life and it's probably just as evident to others around me as it was to me in my friends lives. It has made me realize that i need to add pride to the list of things I ask God to help me overcome. I can't just pray for deliverance once from it and be done. No, it is a continual battle.

One of my favorite bible verses is 1 Peter 5:6 "So humble yourself under the mighty power of God and at the right time he will lift you up in honor." This verse has always helped me with pride. Up until today however, I thought of it more in the creative artistic aspect. Now I will take this verse a step deeper and apply it to all areas of my life.

To reflect God's character

God has been majorly equipping me for leadership in Converge. He seems to be presenting me with points of view I have never thought of before. It is like light bulb after light bulb is coming on with different points of view. I'm realizing points of view of people I have known for years, perhaps I just never opened my mind enough to fully understand their point of view on Life, God, religion; God has no limit to this new understanding.

            In these new points of view God is showing me how important each and every point of view is; how powerful other points of view can be. This seems to help keep me humbled. To stay humbled one must be willing to listen and truly understand other points of view. 

The best thing you can do for someone is humble yourself, genuinely listen to what they have to say and honestly try to understand their point of view, situation and emotions. If makes them feel important and cared for. 

            In doing this you are reflecting God's character. I mean has God not told us to come to him with our problems weep with him and let him hold us? He doesn't tell us to do so and then turn his back and ignore us. No! He invites us to shed tears in his presence. He wants to listen, he enjoys the time we spend with him just as anyone else would, because he loves and cares for us. 

"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4

"Sing for joy, O heavens! Rejoice, O earth! Burst into song O mountains! For the Lord has Comforted his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering." Isaiah 49:13

"For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:31 &32