one door closed, hundreds open

Why do we always assume the worst in relationships? Why do we always imagine the worst in situations? Is is because satan is influencing us, trying to sabotage every relationship we have? Is it because then when the situation plays out it won't ever be as bad as we thought. Does it help us see the light in dark situations? Being able to say "well at least he didn't cheat on me."
   This ran through my mind because I went through my friends list today and cleaned out my friends list. I only unfriended about 6 people but they were people God has been telling me to 'leave behind.' There were two people in particular that i used to be very close with. As life took its course hearts were broken, scarred over and then the scars were re-opened. For several months God had been telling me to let go of them. I just couldn't do it at the time. I tried, but failed 3 months later. When i obeyed God today I thought they both were going to be extremely mad and have to know the reason I unfriended them. They both responded negatively,one more positively than the other. However I explained to them that they did nothing to make me mad, I just needed to move on from this chapter of my life, and that meant leaving somethings and some people behind. To my surprise the one I thought would freak out the most understood the most and wished me the best.In that moment I knew God had my back. I mean I knew that anyway but i could really feel him there with me, protecting me. I began to cry tears of joy for the second time in my life. Tears of joy not necessarily due to them being out of my life but because they reacted so much better than I thought they would. The other person i could tell was trying to be positive but couldn't quite understand why i was doing this. Even tried to lay the guilt trip on me. But this didn't matter to me because I was so amazed at how God had worked at the heart of the first person. God is great in that way.
     With all these changes and closed doors come new adventures and opportunities. God is really working at my heart lately. He is presenting me with new tasks and new wonderfully supportive people. My eyes have been seeing God everywhere lately. This is the way it should have been all along but i am human and sometimes i fail.
     I cannot wait to find out what else he has planned for me. I find myself wishing my homework was to immerse myself in God and edit video. That would be my dream life right there. The amazing thing is, the path God is taking me down seems to lead me straight to that. It's amazing, life is amazing, God is amazing.

..."and the Lord, who is the spirit, makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." -2 Corinthians 3: 18b 

In him,
CB

Change,

        Lately I have had an overwhelming feeling of needing to present myself more professionally. I feel as if I have held on to my past for too long. By past I don't just mean all the bad memories and difficult situations. I mean the past 'me,' my past behaviors, my past mindset, my past self-image. All of these aspects have changed and i feel the need to correct my outward appearance to match that positive new self-image. 

        It's curious isn't it? How when we hand God the pen to our lives we seem to develop a better handle on life. Seems kinda backwards doesn't it? When we give up control, we...gain control?    Maybe its more like our life runs smoother because we are following God's master plan. So it's not necessarily that WE have a better handle on life, its just that we have a handle on God who has a handle on us.

        I have this idea of getting rid of all the old clothes, all the hand-me-downs, worn out clothes; clothes that look like I am stuck in the emo/punk stage my freshmen year of high school. Its not like i don't wear them anymore. Although there is a number of clothes I only wear as make-shift PJ's if you will. When I am getting dressed in the morning i find myself digging through stacks of clothes in my dresser, skipping five or six old shirts I don't enjoy wearing anymore. I suppose I am searching for a shirt that shows who I am currently. 

       I would like to point out that I am one who does not handle change very well. I do change, obviously but i just don't like to change very often. That's the stubbornness of the Taurus right there. If you try to make me change I will resist you as much as I can, for as long as I can. Eventually I will warm up to the idea. But note: the more you push it the more i will resist you and the longer it will take me to change. 

     
   I was at a women's house a couple of months ago. She had a blank piece of lined paper framed. On the glass she wrote bible versus and other phrases of encouragement. I thought this was a fantastic idea. You write on it with a dry erase marker, allowing you to change the phrase whenever you please. This is one thing I would like to start doing wherever I am. whether that be in my dorm, at home or camping with some friends. This I believe would improve my behavior. It would definitely strengthen me, seeing that word of encouragement everyday, changing it every month.  


   I'm creating my own sense of style, sense of self and I want everyone to become aware of it. I absolutely love that I am discovering myself through God. I am creating a new Carleen through God. A Carleen completely different from the Carleen before God. Maybe that's why they call it being born again because you become a new person in the presence of God. Especially when you've hit rock bottom.


For nothing is impossible with God. -Luke 1:37


CB

capture my mind with you

Oshkosh is supposed to be a place for me to start over, have a fresh start. I wanted to get away from what was happening in my hometown. I knew that i could never really run away from it all. It was just so much easier to forget about if i wasn't around it. It was going good. Oshkosh is an amazing place. The university is more than i could ask for. Everyday I am reminded that Oshkosh is exactly where i am supposed to be. I have met so many inspirational people, some being part of converge, some i met through converge goers, others i met simply through my major. When I really open my eyes I see God everywhere. His love is everywhere in my life. 

       I was recently asked if I would like to be a part of the leadership team at Converge and at the very least have one on ones with the beautiful Rachel. I wasn't quite sure about it at first but then Rachel told me that she saw strong leadership qualities in me. She also saw God's presence within me. This was extremely encouraging to me. I guess i never knew how much God really did shine through me. What dwindled my doubt even more was when Rachel said that i would probably become the technical person an staff. So the person who creates the videos shown at Converge. This got me really excited. Radio/TV/Film is my major. My dream job would be creating videos that help spread the word of God in some shape or form. This is basically what i would be doing for Converge.

   

     However, back to the beginning, I had fallen. I realize we all fall but i had triumphed and then fallen backwards. I should have known better but God isn't the only one who is clever. I was sucked back into talking to my ex-boy friend who I had sexual relations with. It started small but then those feelings started to creep back into me. Thinking I could control it I let him come visit me. That went way farther than i wanted it to. Recently I went to visit him, also went way farther than I had intended. We even talked about it before i came down. I thought i had made it clear that it was not to go that far. I also thought i was stronger and stupidly hoped he would help in refraining from that. He did the opposite. I suppose there was a small part of me that did want it. I just knew it shouldn't happen. 

             

     I wish he understood my reasoning, I wish i could explain it to him in a way that he would fully understand. But there is no way to explain your love and respect for God to someone who doesn't have any 'religion' for himself. We haven't talked since Sunday when i left. I haven't questioned this much because i know it is a good thing we are not talking. Not in the sense that we just had sex and we both don't care but in the sense that I need to let him go, completely. I can't even hold onto that little shard of hope in the far corner of my heart. Because it isn't hope at all. It is a death wish in the eyes of God. Ok that was a little harsh its more like this vicious cycle won't end if i hold onto that shard. I need to clean out my closet if you will. 

All in all God is making big changes in my life. I will obey his commands for I know he will never lead me down the wrong path. 

Thanks for reading and God bless!

CB