capture my mind with you

Oshkosh is supposed to be a place for me to start over, have a fresh start. I wanted to get away from what was happening in my hometown. I knew that i could never really run away from it all. It was just so much easier to forget about if i wasn't around it. It was going good. Oshkosh is an amazing place. The university is more than i could ask for. Everyday I am reminded that Oshkosh is exactly where i am supposed to be. I have met so many inspirational people, some being part of converge, some i met through converge goers, others i met simply through my major. When I really open my eyes I see God everywhere. His love is everywhere in my life. 

       I was recently asked if I would like to be a part of the leadership team at Converge and at the very least have one on ones with the beautiful Rachel. I wasn't quite sure about it at first but then Rachel told me that she saw strong leadership qualities in me. She also saw God's presence within me. This was extremely encouraging to me. I guess i never knew how much God really did shine through me. What dwindled my doubt even more was when Rachel said that i would probably become the technical person an staff. So the person who creates the videos shown at Converge. This got me really excited. Radio/TV/Film is my major. My dream job would be creating videos that help spread the word of God in some shape or form. This is basically what i would be doing for Converge.

   

     However, back to the beginning, I had fallen. I realize we all fall but i had triumphed and then fallen backwards. I should have known better but God isn't the only one who is clever. I was sucked back into talking to my ex-boy friend who I had sexual relations with. It started small but then those feelings started to creep back into me. Thinking I could control it I let him come visit me. That went way farther than i wanted it to. Recently I went to visit him, also went way farther than I had intended. We even talked about it before i came down. I thought i had made it clear that it was not to go that far. I also thought i was stronger and stupidly hoped he would help in refraining from that. He did the opposite. I suppose there was a small part of me that did want it. I just knew it shouldn't happen. 

             

     I wish he understood my reasoning, I wish i could explain it to him in a way that he would fully understand. But there is no way to explain your love and respect for God to someone who doesn't have any 'religion' for himself. We haven't talked since Sunday when i left. I haven't questioned this much because i know it is a good thing we are not talking. Not in the sense that we just had sex and we both don't care but in the sense that I need to let him go, completely. I can't even hold onto that little shard of hope in the far corner of my heart. Because it isn't hope at all. It is a death wish in the eyes of God. Ok that was a little harsh its more like this vicious cycle won't end if i hold onto that shard. I need to clean out my closet if you will. 

All in all God is making big changes in my life. I will obey his commands for I know he will never lead me down the wrong path. 

Thanks for reading and God bless!

CB