wait

I'm falling into that mode again. That mode of curious writings by the one who never thought creative writing was possible for her. I know that it is a sort of healing process and I feel that process beginning.

It always starts with late nights. Lying awake, not being able to stop thinking. The most lonely feeling creeps up out of nowhere. I begin to question my surroundings and no longer know which way is up. Self-put-downs are the main course. This time around they are different. "you're such a failure. You can't even keep your finances straight and pay for school, how are you going to pay rent? What have you got to show for your twenty years on Earth? You've accomplished nothing. Everyone around you is working hard and taking advantage of opportunities. And then there's you. Keep going this route and you'll never impress anyone."

 I never thought it was possible to feel so old but so young all at once.

It feels a bit like I'm rediscovering myself. I've followed the steps that got me this far, but it's like there are no more steps on the paper. It's not the end...so...now what?

Naturally I think back to the last time I felt this way: Middle School/early high school days. I felt just as lonely. I did not however, feel like a failure. I was just trying to find my way through the tunnel. I made it through, with the help of my best friend Lacey and my other best friend music. Specifically Hold On by Good Charlotte. Through another friend I found foundation and salvation. This is the point where I was free from the pit.

How did I end up back here? Is it even the same pit? Perhaps it's a bigger pit.

I knew this year would be one I couldn't run away anymore. I now realize this is true in more ways than one. Sitting on tumblr, watching shows, getting caught up in other peoples lives thinking I've got mine handled. All to distract myself. I'm trying to run away again.
All he wants is to be listened to. How many times have I offered an open ear? How often do I brag about my strongest quality: a good listener? But have I been offering to listen in the wrong place? To the wrong people? If I'm such a good listener, why can't I even listen to the one who matters most? To the one who knows exactly how to help me.

While the rest of the world rests, my mind is far from it.

Maybe that's why I stay up so late. With the rest of the world dormant for a bit, there is nothing to distract me. It's the purest time to think and listen. To have those amazing conversations that end with an "Eureka!" moment.

"WAIT"

wait? you want me to wait? For what exactly?

"WAIT"

Everyone else around me is laying the foundations for their career, Taking their first steps toward their career and you're telling me to wait?

"WAIT"

Ok, tell me this then. What am I supposed to do while I wait? Do I stay in school? Take a semester off? Move back to Waukesha? Crash at a friends house in Oshkosh? Pursue Converge more? What?

"WAIT"

and so I wait...

Got Pride?

"Pride - Do you look down on others? Or, do you feel you aren't as good or worthy as others are? Do you find yourself arguing or being contentious with others? Do you resist yielding to authority? Do you become defensive when corrected? Do you resist being open about all areas of your life with trustworthy people? Do you resist asking people for assistance, or depending on and needing others in healthy ways? Do you resist admitting you are wrong? Are you easily offended?"

 Pride is something I've struggled with for a while. Well let's be honest most people struggle with pride and by most i mean everybody. Over the past year i have gained better control over pride. I mostly saw it when dealing with my artwork. I wanted to stay humble about all of it. When I had my deliverance session we (the person praying for me and I) pin-pointed some other areas pride resided in my life. We prayed over those areas and i felt i had made some progress. I didn't see pride there any more.

As I look back on my summer i see that I have convicted others of being prideful. I see it all over their life, and actions. As far as I could tell I didn't convict them in a bad way. But have I been too busy worrying about correcting other people, i miss what needs to be corrected in my own life and actions? I was just reading an e-mail from Dick Schroeder's 'You've Got the Holy Spirit.' This e-mail, along with the previous one, talked about pride. This one specifically focused on what it looks like and what it means to be prideful. It was very convicting especially the excerpt above from Joy Schroeder's Tools For Mentoring Moral Inventory section. It really made me think hard about whether I had pride in my life or not.

I found that I did. It is still evident in my life and it's probably just as evident to others around me as it was to me in my friends lives. It has made me realize that i need to add pride to the list of things I ask God to help me overcome. I can't just pray for deliverance once from it and be done. No, it is a continual battle.

One of my favorite bible verses is 1 Peter 5:6 "So humble yourself under the mighty power of God and at the right time he will lift you up in honor." This verse has always helped me with pride. Up until today however, I thought of it more in the creative artistic aspect. Now I will take this verse a step deeper and apply it to all areas of my life.

To reflect God's character

God has been majorly equipping me for leadership in Converge. He seems to be presenting me with points of view I have never thought of before. It is like light bulb after light bulb is coming on with different points of view. I'm realizing points of view of people I have known for years, perhaps I just never opened my mind enough to fully understand their point of view on Life, God, religion; God has no limit to this new understanding.

            In these new points of view God is showing me how important each and every point of view is; how powerful other points of view can be. This seems to help keep me humbled. To stay humbled one must be willing to listen and truly understand other points of view. 

The best thing you can do for someone is humble yourself, genuinely listen to what they have to say and honestly try to understand their point of view, situation and emotions. If makes them feel important and cared for. 

            In doing this you are reflecting God's character. I mean has God not told us to come to him with our problems weep with him and let him hold us? He doesn't tell us to do so and then turn his back and ignore us. No! He invites us to shed tears in his presence. He wants to listen, he enjoys the time we spend with him just as anyone else would, because he loves and cares for us. 

"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4

"Sing for joy, O heavens! Rejoice, O earth! Burst into song O mountains! For the Lord has Comforted his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering." Isaiah 49:13

"For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:31 &32

Depends on the Situation

Just read a chapter in Pure Life Ministries "Create in Me a Pure Life." It talked about how victory can be a vague concept to those who have been accustomed to losing. It's Almost as if they have to learn how to claim victory in different situations, such as overcoming sin. 

We all learn, but most of us see learning as a school or sport related activity, even view as subject based rather than situational. In fact learn situationally. Let me explain:

     After graduating high school most 18 years olds head off to college to continue their education. The subjects are no the only thing they are learning. College freshman are presented with new situations, ie. living in dorms, sharing a room, different campus, being away from home and family. They have to learn the environment, how to act in it. With these new situations and environment comes confusion,maybe a lost feeling. As each person lives in these new situations they learn what the best and most effective thing to do is.

This applies to religion. When overcoming temptation, a person must learn how to recognize, the sin itself and furthermore the enemies attacks. They must learn how to defend themselves, such as using scripture to sworn off the enemy. Especially a new believer will have to learn how to be a true christian. What it means to be a true christian. Maybe in a new stage in life or faith one must learn what it means and looks like to be a good/true christian in a particular situation. They must learn to repent, give up their own ways and give control over to God. All of these things never happen over night.They have to happen in steps. The length of these steps may vary. 

The point is we learn situationally. So even as we help others in their trials we must understand their situation and let them learn slowly and step by step.

On the Edge

(written way back in April 2012)

Lately, every time i begin to drift away from God, I feel scared. It used to be the other way around, i was scared to be close to God. Maybe that just shows how much I've grown in my faith. Today I feel nervous. I do have a test today, however I'm nervous about my relationship with God. In this last week I missed two religious gatherings i regularly attend. Immediately I began to feel myself slip, feeling as if there was something missing. I didnt get my usual dosage of God. It is kind of amazing and eye opening to me how surrounding myself with the people of God has strengthened me and continues to strengthen me. How much i truely need Him to remain stable throughout my days/weeks/months. It has made me realize how much I truely love God. How important it is to me to live for him.

This past wed. I was at a friendly gathering at which we were discussing what we each thought about religion. One person said that they think Christians hope to be chosen to be a beacon of God in this world. It got me thinking. A thought popped in my head. We are all already chosen by God. He made us, he wrote our story. The thing is we have to essentially choose ourselves. We have to recognize that God is knocking on our door. We have to answer God's calling for us. We have to realize that we are able through God.

I feel nervous again today, almost paranoid.It's a little odd. I think it's because i can feel myself slipping again. I 've been engaging in sexual pleasure for myself (masturbation). I try so hard to fight it off but ya know the more you try not to think about something the more you can't stop thinking about it. The feeling then becomes overwhelming. I tell myself that if i can't fight this off I'm never gonna get past this past relationship with Alex. Then because it seems overwhelming I give in and feel like a failure and definitely feel trapped by Satan. I feel the strong hold he has on me and i just want my deliverance to come faster.

Actions speak louder than words....right?

So my major is Radio/TV/Film. I love video editing. In my speech class we received an assignment to write an informative speech. I chose to do mine on editing film and how it could be used in any job field. Should be easy right? It's something i enjoy, I can talk about this for days. Yeah....not so much. What I'm discovering is that when you only have 5-7 minutes to talk about this you really have to pick the important aspects of editing and then summarize those points. Not only that but, in general it is harder to try to explain to someone how to edit than it is to show them.

    This is kinda how our faith feels to us doesn't it? We talk everyday about how we would rather do random acts of kindness than to sit down with a random person and explain God and Christianity to them.

                                     

Just soak in that thought for a while.

Why are we so afraid to talk to others about our God? The Bible does say that we should boast about our God and our God only. Are we afraid of rejection? People getting upset and yelling in our face, or scoffing in our direction? Are we afraid of failure? perhaps its because we don't know what to say. Maybe we only know enough about God to answer our own questions, but never other peoples questions.

          But what shall we fear if our God is with us? He is always protecting us, supporting us. We are never alone. Even if we lose everything we have, friends, family, our job, our electronics, we are never alone. God is with us guys. He is with us when we walk away from him. He is still there. No matter how many times we reject him, hurt him, betray him, he remains by our side. He loves us and there is nothing we can do about it.

     Lets soak in the word of the Lord, not only for ourselves, but so that we can our his love onto others, not just through our action but through words as well. Actions do speak louder than words, but sometimes they don't have as clear of a meaning or message as words do.

        So lets go and tell the world about Jesus! For who wouldn't want to know of a God that sticks with us even when we don't stick with him? A God that forgives us even when we haven't forgiven ourselves. Lets live our lives for the glory of God and not care who is watching, judging, or laughing.

God is with us until the end of the age. Lets do the same for him.

-CB

one door closed, hundreds open

Why do we always assume the worst in relationships? Why do we always imagine the worst in situations? Is is because satan is influencing us, trying to sabotage every relationship we have? Is it because then when the situation plays out it won't ever be as bad as we thought. Does it help us see the light in dark situations? Being able to say "well at least he didn't cheat on me."
   This ran through my mind because I went through my friends list today and cleaned out my friends list. I only unfriended about 6 people but they were people God has been telling me to 'leave behind.' There were two people in particular that i used to be very close with. As life took its course hearts were broken, scarred over and then the scars were re-opened. For several months God had been telling me to let go of them. I just couldn't do it at the time. I tried, but failed 3 months later. When i obeyed God today I thought they both were going to be extremely mad and have to know the reason I unfriended them. They both responded negatively,one more positively than the other. However I explained to them that they did nothing to make me mad, I just needed to move on from this chapter of my life, and that meant leaving somethings and some people behind. To my surprise the one I thought would freak out the most understood the most and wished me the best.In that moment I knew God had my back. I mean I knew that anyway but i could really feel him there with me, protecting me. I began to cry tears of joy for the second time in my life. Tears of joy not necessarily due to them being out of my life but because they reacted so much better than I thought they would. The other person i could tell was trying to be positive but couldn't quite understand why i was doing this. Even tried to lay the guilt trip on me. But this didn't matter to me because I was so amazed at how God had worked at the heart of the first person. God is great in that way.
     With all these changes and closed doors come new adventures and opportunities. God is really working at my heart lately. He is presenting me with new tasks and new wonderfully supportive people. My eyes have been seeing God everywhere lately. This is the way it should have been all along but i am human and sometimes i fail.
     I cannot wait to find out what else he has planned for me. I find myself wishing my homework was to immerse myself in God and edit video. That would be my dream life right there. The amazing thing is, the path God is taking me down seems to lead me straight to that. It's amazing, life is amazing, God is amazing.

..."and the Lord, who is the spirit, makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." -2 Corinthians 3: 18b 

In him,
CB

Change,

        Lately I have had an overwhelming feeling of needing to present myself more professionally. I feel as if I have held on to my past for too long. By past I don't just mean all the bad memories and difficult situations. I mean the past 'me,' my past behaviors, my past mindset, my past self-image. All of these aspects have changed and i feel the need to correct my outward appearance to match that positive new self-image. 

        It's curious isn't it? How when we hand God the pen to our lives we seem to develop a better handle on life. Seems kinda backwards doesn't it? When we give up control, we...gain control?    Maybe its more like our life runs smoother because we are following God's master plan. So it's not necessarily that WE have a better handle on life, its just that we have a handle on God who has a handle on us.

        I have this idea of getting rid of all the old clothes, all the hand-me-downs, worn out clothes; clothes that look like I am stuck in the emo/punk stage my freshmen year of high school. Its not like i don't wear them anymore. Although there is a number of clothes I only wear as make-shift PJ's if you will. When I am getting dressed in the morning i find myself digging through stacks of clothes in my dresser, skipping five or six old shirts I don't enjoy wearing anymore. I suppose I am searching for a shirt that shows who I am currently. 

       I would like to point out that I am one who does not handle change very well. I do change, obviously but i just don't like to change very often. That's the stubbornness of the Taurus right there. If you try to make me change I will resist you as much as I can, for as long as I can. Eventually I will warm up to the idea. But note: the more you push it the more i will resist you and the longer it will take me to change. 

     
   I was at a women's house a couple of months ago. She had a blank piece of lined paper framed. On the glass she wrote bible versus and other phrases of encouragement. I thought this was a fantastic idea. You write on it with a dry erase marker, allowing you to change the phrase whenever you please. This is one thing I would like to start doing wherever I am. whether that be in my dorm, at home or camping with some friends. This I believe would improve my behavior. It would definitely strengthen me, seeing that word of encouragement everyday, changing it every month.  


   I'm creating my own sense of style, sense of self and I want everyone to become aware of it. I absolutely love that I am discovering myself through God. I am creating a new Carleen through God. A Carleen completely different from the Carleen before God. Maybe that's why they call it being born again because you become a new person in the presence of God. Especially when you've hit rock bottom.


For nothing is impossible with God. -Luke 1:37


CB

capture my mind with you

Oshkosh is supposed to be a place for me to start over, have a fresh start. I wanted to get away from what was happening in my hometown. I knew that i could never really run away from it all. It was just so much easier to forget about if i wasn't around it. It was going good. Oshkosh is an amazing place. The university is more than i could ask for. Everyday I am reminded that Oshkosh is exactly where i am supposed to be. I have met so many inspirational people, some being part of converge, some i met through converge goers, others i met simply through my major. When I really open my eyes I see God everywhere. His love is everywhere in my life. 

       I was recently asked if I would like to be a part of the leadership team at Converge and at the very least have one on ones with the beautiful Rachel. I wasn't quite sure about it at first but then Rachel told me that she saw strong leadership qualities in me. She also saw God's presence within me. This was extremely encouraging to me. I guess i never knew how much God really did shine through me. What dwindled my doubt even more was when Rachel said that i would probably become the technical person an staff. So the person who creates the videos shown at Converge. This got me really excited. Radio/TV/Film is my major. My dream job would be creating videos that help spread the word of God in some shape or form. This is basically what i would be doing for Converge.

   

     However, back to the beginning, I had fallen. I realize we all fall but i had triumphed and then fallen backwards. I should have known better but God isn't the only one who is clever. I was sucked back into talking to my ex-boy friend who I had sexual relations with. It started small but then those feelings started to creep back into me. Thinking I could control it I let him come visit me. That went way farther than i wanted it to. Recently I went to visit him, also went way farther than I had intended. We even talked about it before i came down. I thought i had made it clear that it was not to go that far. I also thought i was stronger and stupidly hoped he would help in refraining from that. He did the opposite. I suppose there was a small part of me that did want it. I just knew it shouldn't happen. 

             

     I wish he understood my reasoning, I wish i could explain it to him in a way that he would fully understand. But there is no way to explain your love and respect for God to someone who doesn't have any 'religion' for himself. We haven't talked since Sunday when i left. I haven't questioned this much because i know it is a good thing we are not talking. Not in the sense that we just had sex and we both don't care but in the sense that I need to let him go, completely. I can't even hold onto that little shard of hope in the far corner of my heart. Because it isn't hope at all. It is a death wish in the eyes of God. Ok that was a little harsh its more like this vicious cycle won't end if i hold onto that shard. I need to clean out my closet if you will. 

All in all God is making big changes in my life. I will obey his commands for I know he will never lead me down the wrong path. 

Thanks for reading and God bless!

CB