wait

I'm falling into that mode again. That mode of curious writings by the one who never thought creative writing was possible for her. I know that it is a sort of healing process and I feel that process beginning.

It always starts with late nights. Lying awake, not being able to stop thinking. The most lonely feeling creeps up out of nowhere. I begin to question my surroundings and no longer know which way is up. Self-put-downs are the main course. This time around they are different. "you're such a failure. You can't even keep your finances straight and pay for school, how are you going to pay rent? What have you got to show for your twenty years on Earth? You've accomplished nothing. Everyone around you is working hard and taking advantage of opportunities. And then there's you. Keep going this route and you'll never impress anyone."

 I never thought it was possible to feel so old but so young all at once.

It feels a bit like I'm rediscovering myself. I've followed the steps that got me this far, but it's like there are no more steps on the paper. It's not the end...so...now what?

Naturally I think back to the last time I felt this way: Middle School/early high school days. I felt just as lonely. I did not however, feel like a failure. I was just trying to find my way through the tunnel. I made it through, with the help of my best friend Lacey and my other best friend music. Specifically Hold On by Good Charlotte. Through another friend I found foundation and salvation. This is the point where I was free from the pit.

How did I end up back here? Is it even the same pit? Perhaps it's a bigger pit.

I knew this year would be one I couldn't run away anymore. I now realize this is true in more ways than one. Sitting on tumblr, watching shows, getting caught up in other peoples lives thinking I've got mine handled. All to distract myself. I'm trying to run away again.
All he wants is to be listened to. How many times have I offered an open ear? How often do I brag about my strongest quality: a good listener? But have I been offering to listen in the wrong place? To the wrong people? If I'm such a good listener, why can't I even listen to the one who matters most? To the one who knows exactly how to help me.

While the rest of the world rests, my mind is far from it.

Maybe that's why I stay up so late. With the rest of the world dormant for a bit, there is nothing to distract me. It's the purest time to think and listen. To have those amazing conversations that end with an "Eureka!" moment.

"WAIT"

wait? you want me to wait? For what exactly?

"WAIT"

Everyone else around me is laying the foundations for their career, Taking their first steps toward their career and you're telling me to wait?

"WAIT"

Ok, tell me this then. What am I supposed to do while I wait? Do I stay in school? Take a semester off? Move back to Waukesha? Crash at a friends house in Oshkosh? Pursue Converge more? What?

"WAIT"

and so I wait...